Love After War

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in life is deciding whether I’d go for a traditional marriage or work on marrying someone I’m dating. I say “working on” because we all know that getting a guy you’re dating to commit is like getting a peach tree to produce bananas.

Women who are already married (under both circumstances) say that it’s all the same; they’ve all been shocked one way or another by their husband’s lifestyle, whether it’s the way he treats the help or the fact that he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor. While I cringe at the thought of both being a reality, I always feel like sticky situations would be easier to rectify if you actually know the guy. How do you tell a guy you barely know to chew with his mouth closed? Do conversations ever feel forced? How do you sleep with him?

A friend of mine got traditionally married recently (seriously, you girls need to stop doing that. I’m getting more pressure now.), and throughout the duration of her honeymoon, she would text me saying that she feels like she made a big mistake saying “yes”. He snored all night and didn’t like to do a lot of the things she wanted to. Eventually, they worked it out and she is happy with him.

On the other hand, the friend who married her long-term boyfriend knew exactly what she was getting into. She was excited to be a part of his family and travel with her man and start a family of their own, and because of all the time they spent together before marriage, communication was natural. Till this day, they act like best friends and are totally happy.

Ladies, dating in Kuwait is tough. So tough, in fact, that we go into relationships thinking of long-term goals because we can’t believe we found someone decent enough to be with. Sometimes it works in our favor, and sometimes it doesn’t. But with an arranged proposal, the man already has his eyes on the prize and is ready to commit to you.
So in cases where you’re ultimately going to be happy in the end, which route do you choose? A gamble for a fairy-tale romance that may or may not work out? Or a husband that you may or may not love?

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on love before/after marriage, especially if you’re a guy!

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7 thoughts on “Love After War

  1. Noor says:

    Oh the question on every single (er, unmarried) Kuwaiti girls mind. I switch between these two options in my head so often, my pros and cons have melted away. I do think however that the tiny tiny option in between both of these is the way to go. Arranged as in set up by the parents, but with a long secret engagement till both are comfortable and happy, and then they announce it.
    But thats also because I always worry about those few perfect for each other couples that actually want to get married only to find parents that wont allow it. Its such a gamble these days!

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  2. liberalkuwaiti says:

    H! Firstly, I’d like to say I absolutely LOVE your blog. It’s funny, real and most importantly so relevant to us Kuwaiti women living in Kuwait. I can relate to so many of your experiences!!

    I’ve been married for a year now, and I think my thoughts have somewhat changed on this matter. I used to be ALL FOR never marrying someone you love and really, really know. How on Earth can a woman commit to someone, move in with someone, SLEEP with someone she barely knows?

    However.. I used to be in and out of long term relationships, constantly disappointed, constantly having all my hope fly out the window..

    THEN, idiotically, I thought for a very brief period..why not traditional? Let me just say that I changed my mind the second the first mother and her mommy’s boy son walked in our front door. The fear paralysed me, and I thought no way in hell! Never again!

    I met my now-husband shortly after. We met in let’s say (for the sake of remaining anonymous), January. Chemistry, liberal minds, mutual respect, financially stable and ready to start a family. I thought it was too good to be true. Luckily, it WAS. He took me to our ‘spot’ on the beach and asked me to marry him (ring and all) in March. Asked for my hand formally in April. Melcha was end of April. So basically, from the day I met him, till the day I married him took about 3 months. Fast forward a year, and I live with my best friend, partner-in-crime and the person that understands me more than anyone else I’ve ever come across.

    Sorry for going on and on, but I guess the moral of my story is that I now believe in the halfway situation. Us liberal Kuwaiti women would struggle going through the traditional proposal and marriage. I feel it defies everything we’ve taught ourselves and it just isn’t for us (or me, more specifically). However, a relationship that drags and drags and drags…drags for a reason. YES have a relationship, fall in love, etc. if it’s all clear from the get-go. and once you KNOW, take the plunge. The shorter, the better was my own personal experience.

    Sorry again for the rant. Keep up the highly entertaining blog.. and finally, I do believe decent, fun, liberal Kuwaiti men DO exist and want exactly what we are and what we want. My husband is a prime example. Don’t lose hope ladies!

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  3. Anonymous says:

    Well Let me just say
    Love Before Marriage
    It’s Something that makes you blind sometimes you fall for someone who is totally a mismatch in terms of status and other such shit that yeah families do consider when you actually plan to tie the knot and realize *Fockin’ Hell* what was i doing why did i never think of this? and now your head starts to make you crazy. Things you thought were simple enough have now turned complicated. what you once thought would be achieved as a future goal to help you marry her is no where near the start. When love starts you know (I for one was foolish enough to never think of this too) people tend to forget their status, their value, what lavish lifestyle either of them has, do they really have the guts and money to make it all happen. Believe me or not Money does matter when you say it doesn’t you’re fooling no one. I have seen Relationships break because yeah demands grew and the poor fellow wasn’t able to satisfy for the luxuries.

    Love After Marriage
    Basically for a man who has a broken heart from Love before marriage and is settling for someone he shall just get to know during the “Honeymoon Period” it’s hard. few very important years of your life you thought you will spend your future life with X and now have to settle with Z Poor U. Anyhow yeah for a man who always wanted to settle this way it won’t take long for him to start liking this new person in life depending how lady like or bitchy she is.

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  4. Ali says:

    This is my (a guy’s) take on the subject as I’ve flipped through the two for the past few years.

    Being in a relationship with someone gives you time to know exactly who the person you’re marrying is. You get to know their personality but more importantly their habits, style, etc. A lot of these things don’t show up (or you don’t realize them) till a few months into knowing someone.

    The problem with relationships (other than commitment on both ends) is if you want to take it to the next level and get married, complications start to arise. The guy worries about his girl’s family standards and vice versa. Shee3i? Sunni? Bdiwi? 7thiri? 3eemi? A9EEL? (I put that one in caps coz it annoys me the most)

    I’ve gone in several relationships only to find out that we cannot get married because I do not fit a certain criteria her parents want for her. Even though the girls sometimes had says in the matter, they usually choose to be quiet to avoid conflict with their parents. In other words, none of them were willing to fight hard enough to risk upsetting their family. Yeah I understand it’s hard, but sometimes you have to make the choices that make you happy regardless of what impact does it have on other people especially if they’re not affected by your decision directly.

    So here’s where traditional marriage has an edge over it; from the first meeting the families will assess each other and give a red or green light to the proceedings. You don’t have to worry about whether or not her family will accept you because you’ll know that from day 1. Other than that, as you said, the commitment is already there.

    Would I prefer traditional over non-traditional? I guess not yet. I still believe I can find someone who will fight for me because I am a fighter myself.

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  5. Spartan says:

    ok here’s how it is…it is NEVER easy…each type of marriage comes with its own set of problems/blessings…my marriage was traditional…and it failed miserably (lasted four looooooong painful months)…does not mean it won’t work for you..cause i know many people who got married through family and now they are happy and in love…on the other hand, i know couples that got married after dating for 5-6 years and now they are either at each others throats all the time or got a divorce or are getting a divorce…there’s really no guarantee which ever way you go…after all, human beings are unpredictable..you just better hope and pray that the person you end up with has the morals and ethics to keep being the nice/kind/loving/caring/HONEST person he/she was during the engagement

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  6. Gotta say, your blogs got my attention. Regarding this topic, I think ive got a different take to it. Im more of a non traditional sorta guy in this regard, because I believe a lot of traits tend to show up in different people when they have their guard down.

    A lot of people (girls!) tend to hide their oh-so-naughty secrets if they’re going down the traditional route, and appear all fine and dandy in front of the dude. They CAN keep this up for the duration of the engagement because there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and if they’re impressed by the guy, they might as well hide the stuff and get married.

    Now, an example:
    Statistics have shown a sharp rise in new female smokers, and this relatively new phenomenon was never a social “norm” to many people, be it a common thing or not. I for one would bet my house that a girl I was getting engaged to in a traditional manner would never let loose that piece of information, even if it was something she did in the past. However, if this was a relationship, the situation’s slightly different. People tend to share a lot more when in relationships than when “traditionally engaged”.

    Now, I just picked out a pet peeve of mine, and this may be totally acceptable with a lot dudes out there. However, so many more things that are deemed “socially unacceptable” by the ever so judgmental society tend to stay hidden during an engagement. Why is this dangerous? Cuz most people (me included) would honestly opt out of the relationship if they find dealbreaking information AFTER marriage.

    Dont hide shit ladies, except stuff you’ve done with your exes, we dont wanna know that. But dont hide stuff you used to do because one way or another, it’ll be found out. At least let it be sooner rather than later.

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