What the hell do you want?

Growing up around and going to school with girls from well-off families, I always felt a little crappy at the fact that I couldn’t afford designer bags and I never looked as well-put-together as they did. They spoke a certain way, drove nice cars, and guys thought they were gorgeous and so hard to get. I wanted to be just like them, and no matter how hard I tried, I was always one step too far. With time, I learned to accept my Plain Jane self and embraced my shortcomings.

The most comment (or compliment?) I get from the guys I’ve dated is that I’m “different”. And every time I prod them for elaborations on what “different” actually means to them, they say I’m not like the other Kuwaiti girls – I’m myself. The fact that I was a breath of fresh air to some made me feel good, and with that air of confidence, I became the lover and best friend rolled into one.

But like clockwork, at some point in the relationship, without any introductions or preliminaries, they’d announce that they’re getting engaged to someone else. This someone else is usually the complete opposite of who I am, and all the confidence I’d built up for months would come crumbling down like a soft sandcastle. What was wrong with me?

The last relationship I was in ended in the worst way – the male in question disappeared without a trace and got married (I found out via text), and would pretend not to see me whenever we crossed paths.

It would take years for me to realize that I’m not the problem. Maybe, as my best friend so eloquently put it, they’re intimidated by me. Maybe they don’t know how to live up to all the awesomeness I’ve surrounded myself with. Maybe they just want to be with someone that doesn’t challenge them.
Whatever the case was, I was tired of dealing with insecure Kuwaiti men who obviously couldn’t handle me.

Being single for a few years now has built my self-esteem up, and I feel more self-sufficient and independent than ever. I still wonder what the hell Kuwaiti men are looking for in a mate, and why they contradict themselves so much when it comes down to what they want and what they end up going for.

Any insight?

Advertisements
Standard

20 thoughts on “What the hell do you want?

  1. zee says:

    I am diffrent too..always thought kuwaiti guys to be shallow..all they care about is someone who s gorgeous from the outside n shallow from the inside. They feel insecure with girls who question or dares thier ways. I dont feel you should blame your self. I was abroad 7 years for studies and after coming back thought its not easy living with this kind of attitude. I can afford expensive things but i choose not to. its enough that symbols or items like these are represented here as a mean of prestige. Though speaking in a certain way always means i am copying and i dont know what to say. Girls like that realize way too late how misreable they are and since they arent honest with thier nature they can never be honest to partners nor thier own off springs later on. And sometimes they surround them selves with shallow mentalities that sadly they never grow out of it. I am not saying all finger are same. But its the majority.
    Dating these guys you need to be a bimbo. Dont speak intelligent. Otherwise find geeks. Which unlike naomi in 90210 not every girl is that lucky to find a clean geek. 🙂

    Like

  2. I do not speak on behalf of all men, none are equal and none are the same, like fingerprints. But there is that trend, or shall i say a path that a lot (will not say most) men take. That path being, they look for a girl to be with in their “single” years then they look for the mother to marry. I have actually men say “Never marry the one you date, because if she did “stuff” with you before marriage, she most likely will do stuff while you are”.
    Again, not all men are the same, sometimes if not many, many couples who dated do get married and live happily.
    The trick is, to figure out who’s looking to play around seriously yet temporarily, and the ones who are actually looking for something serious to build on. Go past the charm and lines and flirting, see his friends, his social life, look at how he acts in day to day with other people more than you.

    Good luck on your dating endeavors.

    Like

  3. From a very personal experience i say, to hell with guys if they’re gonna lower your self-esteem, they don’t even know what they want, and the ones getting married to somebody else? it’s what their mothers want, so its up to future anthropologists to shed some light on the messed up mentality of the kuwaiti society both men and women, however, there are so many good guys out there who you will come across effortlessly, and all of your bad experiences will sum up to be a hell of an experience to get you to where you are today, and the person you’ve become. Have some faith hun

    Like

  4. Nokitalk says:

    Its nice to know there are gals like this in Kuwait. Most of them I have seen are all pampered and wants to be treated like Queens all the time. I am not from here, so coming here and meeting people is first of all tough and on top not easy to handle. Finding the perfect gal is a Myth(Or vise versa).

    Like

  5. Ree says:

    Do not generalize and say what “Kuwaiti” men are looking for. This is coming from a Kuwaiti guy (non-typical I guess) in late twenties. We (non-typical) have the same issues that you have, believe it or not. Every person is different, but unfortunately we live in a stupid judgmental society. We care MORE about what people think and say about us than what we want. Let alone the stupid traditional weddings and the hierarchy in families (middle-working men can’t marry {higher?} women just because of the family names). I once dated foreigner (in Kuwait) non-typical and all of that, and guess what? after she started university her personality changed very freaking fast just because she started hanging with typical Kuwaiti women and started to care more about what people think than what she thinks. It is a disease in our society and it is unfortunate. Just check random instagram accounts and you will know what I mean. Most people are looking for attention (attention whores). The hype now is being a fashionista and make-up artists. It just silly and sad.

    Just be yourself and do no care about what your EX did and blame it on yourself. Move on and try again, that is life. At least we live a happy life compared to other people living in other countries.

    I can elaborate more but you can ask me anything you want.

    Best

    Like

    • You know, it’s funny: many guys tell me the same thing. It feels like we’re all looking for each other but can’t get to each other for some reason.

      I totally get what you mean with the whole family-name-a9eel-mu-a9eel crap. So many potentially happy couples couldn’t marry because of it, and it makes me sad. And I’m sorry your ex decided to become a sheep. You deserve better than that.

      I hope you find the one for you!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Usually Kuwaiti women who find this problem end up with non-Kuwaiti men. Either that is other Gulf countries like UAE or Qatar if the families accept. Or if really open minded, western men. Have you ever thought about that? Mind you as a Brit in Kuwait, I have noticed amongst my Kuwaiti friends that they feel the same way. They always bring up conversations about women and how it is getting harder to find a good girl but that is based on the family setting up marriages. I’ve also been shocked as women with bad reputation aka “whores” mind my English, are getting married in the dozens. Not sure if it is because they’re well experienced or the fake looks and I can go on forever. Lovely blog and I look forward to reading more about dating in Kuwait though I’ve not been as adventurous as my brother to date Kuwaiti women as with foreigners from the west, it doesn’t sit well with the families and the language barrier is scary. Don’t want to put either party in an awkward situation so better skip and hey as a Muslim I don’t judge on looks because I know there is better waiting in Jannah. But ever since I was 13 I’ve been waiting for the day I can finally get married 🙂

    Like

    • Funny enough, I have considered marrying a foreigner several times. There have been a couple of “opportunities” but they didn’t work out. It is frustrating, but patience is key, and cheers to you for waiting so long! I hope you find the one for you and that she makes you very happy!

      Like

  7. 3azeez says:

    “Maybe they don’t know how to live up to all the awesomeness I’ve surrounded myself with. Maybe they just want to be with someone that doesn’t challenge them.”

    If you’re surrounded with too much awesomeness, then why would you be interested in their relationships? They’re not pets to keep around and add to your awesomeness.

    Also, why would you challenge them? Getting married is not about challenging your partner… Its about becoming life companions… One completes the other. And for such relationshi to work out, couples must learn to be leanient, understanding and compassionat. Not challenging!

    Sorry about the spelling mistakes, if any.

    Like

    • By challenging, I meant that they’d feel that they have to get on my level as opposed to them being the bread-winners, etc.. I’m not challenging anyone. I know exactly what I want in a partner and how to coexist with other men.

      And yes, I’m surrounded by so much awesomeness and I’ve worked hard to build my career and have great friendships, but you know what? At the end of the day, I’m a human being that wants to love and be loved in that special way by a special someone.

      Thanks for your comment!

      Like

  8. smss says:

    Normally I don’t drop comments on blogs (being self-opinionated doesn’t sit we’ll with most people), but I have to say you sound a bit sour over your own poor choices. Yes we (men) can be douchebags, and granted we do have a tendency to mislead, but it’s not your “awesomeness” that’s intimidating them or driving them away. To assume dating is a precursor to wedding bells in a society that largely accepts dating as a pastime is a mistake on your half. Though I share your romantic notion of getting to know someone before getting hitched, it’s not always the case here on this side of the world. Your friends were too nice.. Bless them.

    On a different note, mad respect for the step you took in writing up this blog, it takes a lot of guts and I hope other girls follow suit in talking freely about their feelings rather than faking it all the goddamn time….and sorry about your ex-homo that must’ve been traumatic knowing you were infact dating a girl. Then again, he’s proof dating girls isn’t any better. Good luck!

    Like

    • Thanks for dropping in!

      One thing: I am not “sour”, as you put it. Please don’t assume that I want to marry every Tom, Dick, and Harry that I meet from the get-go. I would want to date someone for a long time before I consider marriage, and most of my relationships are short-lived. If they were successful and still going strong, why would I be writing this blog?

      Again, thanks for stopping by, and hope to see you ’round here again!

      Like

  9. I would like to chime in here from a newly non-typical Kuwaiti. After more than 7 years of studying/living in the US, I have come to realize what I should be looking in a woman. Since dating is the norm here the mentality of women and men a like are quite different than back home. Some people want a physical relationship while others are looking for something “not serious”. Since I never really played the dating game in Kuwait, I can’t compare and thus can only rely on what I hear. That being said, as a person from a “a9eel” family (which I completely don’t support/care), its become quite obvious that family name comes before religion, manners, and anything else a rational human being looks for in a mate (not in any specific order). I look for the mother of my children vs a good wife because being a good wife is very short lived if kids come into the picture.

    I tried dating in the US and essentially getting to know people better and found that there are people who not only would fit in Kuwait but also trump any girl I have known/heard of ever. With that being said, my parents would be devastated and society would ridicule my kids and I won’t hear or see the end of it. This is exactly what my mom told me as to why I shouldn’t marry a foreigner: “She will divorce you and take the kids.” So apparently all it took is one foreigner to make this a stereotype. Yet when my brother married someone who met ALL the criteria that my parents had she turned out to a gold digger and actually divorced my brother and took the money. But NO! This is only one occurrence and doesn’t happen too often.

    (I actually had more text and for some reason didn’t make it through which would explain why some of these thoughts are not structured).

    Long story short: I feel your struggle and definitely will say it goes both ways. I have no advice to you as a guy because I can’t even begin to imagine how it feels from a women’s perspective in this system. With that being said, I truly believe in the concept of “5eera” and thus feel that the right thing will come your way whether its staying single forever or getting married later than usual. Maybe all those people you dated made you have a better understanding of what you DON’T want versus what you WANT/NEED. There is also the possibility that those guys probably would have been nightmares in the future (even that 15 yr old crush). Just be yourself and don’t compromise (maybe a little depending on the situation) and someone will come.

    All the best.

    Like

    • First of all, I’m sorry about your brother. Karma will make a grand comeback in Gold Digger’s life! However, with all due respect to your parents, I don’t think it’s fair to say that about foreign women. People in my immediate family have married foreigners and they are more accepting, loving, humble, and down-to-earth than most people I’ve known.
      Now I understand the complications that come with being an “a9eel” – I am not “a9eela” but I’ve been on the other side of a love story that ended because of this reason.
      My parents raised me to respect and love a person for who they are and what they’ve accomplished no matter what their status is. I pray your family reconsiders one day, and I pray you find the one for you, whether Kuwaiti or not!
      And yes, dating does suck! Haha!

      Like

      • Saud says:

        You are not alone. There are men who date when single then get married to someone else when they want to settle down, but there are others as well.

        I’m 29 and from an “a9eel” family and the pressure is mounting from my family to find me a “suitable a9eela” I just started dating recently but I’d rather spend my life alone than marry someone I barely know and I’m sure there are others like me.

        Like

  10. I just found your blog and I LOVE it. I’ve been blogging about dating in Kuwait forever from my American perspective (and I hope that you will check out my blog too). I really enjoy reading your perspective as a Kuwaiti woman. I think that regardless of your nationality, dating is just hard anywhere. In Kuwait, however, there are different challenges and obstacles.

    I consider myself bi-cultural (not genetics, but environment) so that is my main obstacle. Finding a happy medium is difficult.

    For me at the moment, my major peeve is with technology. Online dating: perhaps men start out with good intentions and then just can’t follow through (like the diwaniya getting in the way and pushing you down the list of important things to do) or perhaps they never had good intentions from the get-go. Then there are the guys who are Mr. Technology: 3 phones all with different chat apps, a plethora of busty chat “friends” and the seemingly endless addiction to being on the phone, regardless of the fact that they are sitting in front of a real woman. “Mr. Short Attention Span” – Kuwait is all about the latest/newest. So when you first meet a man, you are his everything… until the next latest/newest comes along (and that doesn’t have to be a woman. He could get a new app and become totally absorbed!). Then, he stops asking you if you ate lunch, or stops asking you if you need anything at the end of the phone call. And then you start getting less-frequent calls; then less-frequent SMSs…. and then you are relinquished to the “friend zone”. Yeah….So, my search continues.

    Dating Sucks Dude: I can name you case studies of personal friends I’ve known who have either married Kuwaiti guys or guys who have married foreign women vs marrying Kuwaiti/Kuwaiti. I still think it is the luck of the draw. My best friend was married to a Kuwaiti (she’s European). They were totally in love. His mother didn’t like her from the beginning. They had a lovely son together. His mother kept pushing him to marry a Kuwaitia. Made my friend’s life a living Hell and SHE finally begged him for a divorce (they did). He immediately married someone his mother picked out. No one in the family speaks to the new wife and she has made his life a living Hell. Now, the mother is dead and he is stuck with the consequences. Morale of the story is: your parents will pass on. Your children will be with you forever (and you become a role model to them) and therefore you must have a bond with their mother in some way/shape/form. Choose carefully.

    Like

  11. KuwaitQ says:

    It takes a good amount of vigilance and intelligence for a girl to be able to balance “being herself” whilst maintaining a strong social standing in Kuwait. I find those who succeed to be very attractive!

    On the other hand I do think that we (Kuwaiti Men) see women who neglect social norms negatively; in that it send out a sign of weakness where they aren’t very good at coping with the complexities of society.

    Like

  12. Born in Kuwait says:

    A bit off the topic but any new statistics on the divorce rate in Kuwait??? My Kuwaiti friends tell me that some women get married just to get away from the parents(independence). Then they wanna get divorced to get complete independence. Is that true?

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s